August 23, 2016
A Piece of Peace
You trained. You taught. You fucked. You played. You saw. You loved. You take me on incredible energy rides. I handed you the string and I was the yo yo. You filled a lot of my bucket list extraordinarily. I make people in my life who I needed them to be. to learn who I am. You met me where I thought I was until I moved to somewhere different.
We don’t find our way alone.
I don’t like that I need to see myself in life and death experiences. I don’t like to own what I see. I don’t like that I don’t know who I am going to be tomorrow, or what I will see in myself and accept or deny. I have boundaries and desires but those change. I want you to have what you want. I want what I want. I want to feel desire run through my veins for life, for the next minute, for a feeling in my body negative or positive. I don’t want to edit what I say or feel. I want to see the homeless person and know that homelessness is in me. I am still searching for home. It is in me somewhere, maybe it is the “I am” from moment to moment. I so envy the ones that believe they know and those that feel solid, those moments are fleeting for me. I meet someone and I decide who they are, I don’t give them a chance. It has been decided. I sift and shift thru layers of who I thought I was, searching for who I am now. Counting some of the friends I lost because of the intensity, because of reawakening. Not being good or on course w/others has cost me a lot.
I am writing this in a bar, I had to get out of my house where I see the reality of what needs to be done, or should be done…I get lost there. Here I watch people come in w/bored relatives walking behind them, sour and resigned looks on their faces. I sit here judging, alone w/my iPad, and my one drink.